Bebe's Kids

  • Radical Entertainment(Haha!)
  • 1993?
  • Review by Toilet Duck
    • Note: The Following review was written after Toilet Duck spent 3 weeks in Greendale Mental hospital.

    Get it AWAY! Get it AWAY!
    It is difficult to write this review, as the experience of playing Bebe's Kids has destroyed my ability to form complete thoughts and express myself using words and sentences. Yes, I did spend time in a mental hospital after playing this game. I must warn you right now, the following review contains swears, threats, rambling, and random screaming at some points. I'm going to attempt to take you threw this whole game one more time and it's not going to pretty. The level of retardedness of this game is unbelievable and must be documented.

    Storyline: It's based on a movie about a fat guy who agrees to take a woman on a date to an amusement park, but is annoyed when she brings along her neighbors' badass kids. The movie made lots and lots of money, which usually means a really bad videogame based on the movie has to be made to make even more money. The movie came on while I was recovering in hospital from playing this game. The tv didn't have a remote, you had to get up to change it. I had no choice but to violently bang the urinal pan continuously on my head so the echoes of my own screaming would block out the sounds of the horrible movie.



    The Game


    Apon turning on the game,A horrible James Brown like tune plays followed with a "Hey Yo, it's Bebe's kids" soundbyte. This already warrants me to put the game back into it's "containment box" and leave it on someone's doorstep.After I slowly press the start button, it's time to choose one of the funky kids! Check em out!...

    ....
    As you can see, both of them walk like they have some type of severe spinal deformity or rickets. The female's face looks like swollen speed bump. Anyways, we are going to use Kahkiki. He's probably the least embarrassingly bad drawn sprite in this game and I can't stand looking at the lady's swollen Milk Dud face.

    Hey YO! Keep an eye out for the baby in some of the pictures. He looks like he is stoned in all of them!

    Excuse me, are you a woman or and encino man?

    Level 1

    Before we dive head first into this pile of steamy crap, take listen to the tune of the first level.(you'll need spc player to listen to all the sounds from here on out. I use Meridian Advance, download it here and participate in the agony!) now when reading this first part of the review, listen to this loop over and over again. You'll have an itsy bitsy taste of what it's like to actually experience this thing and what pain I had to go through for the first level alone. Gamecrap likes to immerse it's viewers in the crap, for a more "interactive" feel.


    The gameplay is so bad in Bebe's Kids that a new word had to be invented to explain it. It's not gameplay, it's painplay. This game is so bad to play that it will actually start causing pain, I'm suprised the game didn't grow arms and legs and start murdering people. Anyways, Most games like to start off with a few easy to defeat enemies in order to get the player familiar with the gameplay ahead. Well, not with Bebe's kids. As are young hero shakakan enters the park, Some locals of Wally World greet us...

    Hi guys!


    As you can see, one is a midget man in mousesuit That constantly stares at you with it's freaky eyes and the other is a "rent-a-guy-that-looks-like-a-secret-service-agent-but-really-works-at-Arbys.Get used to seeing these goons cause they'll be around the entire game. Now if you get REAL close to these guys, they will do very evil things to you. Like the security guard for example, will drain your strength by picking Kahabu up and starring at Kahabu. While mouseman will smack you with his belly.

    the good ol' belly flop



    The incredible AI of these idiots is complex, lifelike, and just plain Amazing. I made a detailed graph the complexity of the AI using one of the security guys........



    That is pretty much the whole routine for all the sprites in the entire game.



    Actually, I think I made the AI look 100% better then it actually is. The Security guys constantly run away when you try to hit them, and "flock" around each other, pretending not to look at you. But when you turn around for a brief second, they'll charge at you doing the routine above. Add on to that it takes about 20 minutes to take out 1 enemy alone. ALMOST ALL ENEMIES IN THE ENTIRE GAME. No, I'm not kidding. For example, the odd psycho mouseman. After about twenty punches, the mouseman head will fly off, revealing Pablo, minimum wage worker extrodinare. Nope, he ain't done yet! Let’s keep punching him about twenty more times to finally knock em on his ass.
    Ain't that the guy from the Addam's Family?
    while your fighting off the security guys, the freakish mouse man will play mind games and stare at you for hours at a time.



    What about the controls!? Bebe's kids control scheme was meant for Octopuses or people with 3 arms.Y punches, X kicks, A crouches, and B jumps. To do a sucker punch(which you'll be using 100% of the time), you have to hold one of the shoulder buttons (L or R) and press Y for the punch. To do the infamous "Bebe's jumping spin kick", press B to jump in the air, hold L/R, and hit X. The only move that comes in handy is the sucker punch, everything else is useless.


    Keep in mind, during all this bologna sausage, you have about 2 minutes to get past the level.



    Ahh yes, the most common screen in the game.


    So we have 80-hit rats and security men, and a 2 minute time limit. Plus, the rats and security guards come in a unlimited spawn. Unless you use the "hard to pull off" bebe's sucker punch, You're going to be seeing the timesup screen a lot.







    What type of "game" is this!?

    		You've probably noticed already that the first level resembles the carnival stage of The Simpsons, except it looks it was "craptized" by a class of 3rd graders. Most of the backgrounds and objects look like "Last minute Microsoft paint". As for the colors, they pretty much used a pallet of a sewer for the colors. Poopy browns, Prune purples, make up most of the color pallet of Bebe’s Kids. Every color that isn’t one of those seems faded, and the overall look of Bebe’s Kids is just shitty.

    Just one of the many beautiful masterpieces designed by the extremely talented Bebe's Kids artist".

    "Awww man, I can't bring my Beavis to Wally World!!?"

    I have no idea what the hell a "beavis" is, but I'm determined to find out. Gamecrap sent the following letter to Radical Entertainment..


    Dear Radical Entertainment,

    I was playing your classic,"critically acclaimed" game Bebe's Kids and I noticed something in the background.Why doesnt Wally World allow "beavises" in the park?Are they harmful? Can you eat them? Do they steal stuff? Is it a drug? If it is a drug, were the designers smoking it when they made this game? Would the inclusion of a Beavis improve the quality of the game? Can you send me a Beavis? Please!

    Thankyou!

    Southside Jim Says:

    MAN! I know what Beavis is! It's this funny ass sucka from the music tv that be shouting "I need teepee for my bunghole" and shit man he had me rolling one time but I was rolling too much and the peoples ceiling under me starting droppin'.

    Level 2



    I swear I am not making this up


    You're probably sitting there thinking "well, i've seen worst". Yeah, I could handle the 80 hit rats, the sorry ai, and even the beavis but this is where the shit hits the fan. What your about to read is hands down, the stupidest stage for a game ever in the history of the galaxy. Level 2 involves are favorite crack baby, who looks like a baby version of Bubba Gump, climbing around a shelf knocking over glasses and bowls (just more evidence that this baby is one some type of drug). Now, your an average gamer and the level involves someone knocking over bowls. Study the picture below and answer the question below.


    Figure this out without reading ahead and I'll pay you 100 dollars*
    *will not pay you 100 dollars





    finished? Now...



    What do you think the objective is for this level?

    A)Catching the glass

    B)Saving the baby

    C)Attacking the fat guy who is trying to catch the glass

    D)Avoiding the glass, possibly thinking they might harm you.

    E) Trying to figure out what the designers were sniffing when this level was made.

    F) 16


    if you answered a,b,c,d,e or even F, I'm afraid you are wrong. You have to punch the bowls. Yes, PUNCH THE GLASS BOWLS. Does that make ANY FUCKING sense? Which one of monkeys at the designer roundtable thought of this!? Whats the point of punching the glass plates when they fall to the ground anyways!? And how can..I...eh....how...ehe...eh....err.it...ia..it'..adfa.....ERRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
    AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!    .....................................................................................................Ok, breath in, breath out. Breath in, breath out.


    Southside Jim Says:

    Man, you must be on some rotted weed. Nothin' whack about eating trolls. One time I was eatin some cereal watchin Good Times and some troll bust up in my pad. Bitch stole my lucky charms!! I took off my strap and slapped his ass down. Then I ate his ass! But shit man, when I took a dookey it was all rainbow colored and shit. And that's a warnin' for all you trolls out there: Steal my Lucky Charms and I'll break my foot up your ass



    I said punching BOWLS not EATING TROLLS.


    Level 3 and 4



    Can this game get even stupider? Well, it goes BEYOND stupid. A whole new level of stupid never seen before. I could just stop the review right here, I mean c'mon a level involving PUNCHING GLASS BOWLS! Do I even need to continue!? But the retardedness of this game must be seen and it actually gets "hilarious-bad"

    Level three is same thing as level 1, fight rats and guys in suits until you get to the next ride. butthis time they added a horrible looking dog that looks like the one from a greyhound bus but bastardized. Now we enter level 4. After the hair ripping, headache pounding "House of glass" level, the designers decided to give you an even bigger headache with a shitty maze.
    Yeah, lets hide in this haunted house! Cause haunted means SAFE!


    At this point and time, you might as well just turn off you brain. Don't bother trying to figure the maze. The whole house if flooded with most horrible looking baddies so far(you haven't seen ANYTHING yet, trust me). Mummies that look like mummies trying to impersonate mummies, REALLY REALLY REAAALLY bad looking ghost, bats, and pictures that blow out smoke loops.


    Watch out for that smoke loop!
    Wow, that ghost sure look likes it wants to scare someone.


    Now what do you think this?.....




    Nope, it's not a penis. It's a thermometer. Yep. It tells you if you're getting hotter or colder to the exit. I had absolutely no idea what the hell that thing was for the first couple of agonizing weeks I was playing. It really doesn't come in handy at all. The best tactic is to Just keep wandering through doors and one day.. you'll find the Exit. Most of the time you'll be going into trap doors that lead right to the beginning. Oh yeah,they also decided to throw in a 2-minute time limit.

    Hi Mr. Times up screen!!!


    Page 2 contains more rat punching fun, porn references, and pirates! Continue if you dare...

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