This looks bad. This looks bad. This looks bad. This looks bad.
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Last Action Hero
Good god, not only do I remember seeing this movie, but I also paid money for the Action Figures. Yep, I bought Last Action Hero Action Figures. I even played Action Heroes with Last Action Hero Action Figures. YEAH, I was a geekazoid back then. Thank whoever I didn't know there was game released about it then, cause I would of probably begged my mom to buy it.
You would think after seeing how the movie TORPEDO at the box office, a light bulb would of crashed over someone's head and maybe not have released this to the masses.
"They made a game about this? Hell, I was drunk on Prozac cocktails and Powersauce bars when I accepted the role!"
Last Action Hero takes your basic game formula and takes a hard, giant, crusty poop on it. Walk to the right, punch. Walk to the right, punch.
That's it. That's 90% of the fucking game. C'mon now, at least freakin' Bebe's Kids added some type of variety and gave you weapons to chuck. Or maybe the variety was having enemies pop out from both sides of the screen. Not just one, both. VARIETY BABY!
oh wait, maybe I'm being biased. Some enemies only take 50 hit's, some take 90 hits. Oh, and Arnold doesn't need anything like a combo system or special move, because not only can he punch, be he can KICK too,
which shows he can barely lift his fat, roided leg up.
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What an ass.
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Every time are action hero gets hit, he does this odd Karate kid chicken man thing. The acting schools in Austria must not be that good. Or Arnold does the funky chicken to scare his opponents out before a fight.
When your not doing the chicken dance, you'll be driving Arnold over dirt ramps. Apparently challenge wasn't in mind while making this level cause I went through this whole level by pressing forward
Just be thankful your not PLAYING it.
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. Once again, we have "Ernie's full proof gaming formula": Drive over ramp. Drive. Drive over ramp. Drive. Drive over ramp. Drive. By gosh we got are selves a videogame! You can't go wrong with that! Man oh Man, they might as well just have said
"Drive the car down the road and ponder the mediocre graphics we made to fill up the remaining cart space".
There's also a variety (today's magic word) of bosses in the game. 3 to be exact. One you fight 2 times, which is an old man in a rain coat. Arnold is also pitted against a dinky helicopter that shoots out marker-sized missiles. By punching the missiles, the missiles will bounce off Arnold's fist, and damage the 1000lb, steel helicopter. Cause an Action Hero can punch micro-machine missiles.
"He wear's a disguise to look like human guys but he's not a man, he's a chicken boo...?"
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Through out the game, you'll really start to wonder weather Ah-nold is are un-conjegatable Austrian Action star we all love, or a chicken in disguise. Study the picture to the left, notice his steady descent to the concrete ground. It looks like he's trying to flap his wings. Now, notice the picture to the right. A closer, more detailed view of his chicken stance. |
The Real World
After another pointless driving stage,
You finally jump out of the movie and into the Real World (just like in the movie..you don't wanna know). Arnold realized that he's really a 500 pound slob in the Real World(as you can see to the left). Hollywood is fake Arnie, all those ab-machines and powershakes your always promoting doesn't do jack in the world pal!
Oh yea, finally confront the boss...
Before I reveal the big CHEESE, let's just take a look at some of Analdz old foes he has faced in his career.......
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Arnold has fought a lot of bad dudes(not the bad dudes that rescued Ronnie for a hamburger). From fighting a high-tech, booty face deep jungles of South America.....
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...to taken on legions of blood thirsty cyborgs.
However, none of these whimps could carry this next guy's jock.
Arnold has never fought anyone this tough, this brutal, this unforgiven. He is.....
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The Amazing Bubble Man!
Arnold hasn't had a challenge this difficult since trying to pronounce the word "GHOTI"
The designers wanted to make sure that the Amazing Bubble Man was like no other foe ever seen in gaming. The safisticated strategy method to defeat him is very complicated, but I'll try to explain. You see, when Bubble Man shoots a Bubble, you must duck, then punch him. That's it. I hope I didn't lose anyone while explaining it.
EXCLUSIVE!
The REAL boss for Last Action Hero
It seems as though the boss was taken out at the last minute, most likely because it was just tooo hard to beat. Yes, the boss was actually viewing the movie Last Action Hero. Can Ah-nold survive it?......
NOTE: Gamecrap is not implying that viewing the Movie Last Action Hero will cause your head to explode. Results may vary. Recent studies on monkeys suggest that the most common action while viewing Last Action Hero was gauging the eyes out with a potato peeler.
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"hey, his bodyguard ditched em! Let the playground beatings resume!"
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In the end, Ahhhh-nold goes back to movieland, while the kid goes back to having no friends, getting beat-up, and lookin' like he just "relieved" himself while watching action movies.
I have more respect for ANYONE who had no involvement what-so-ever with this game. I hope Arnold and the people responsible for this unload in their pants everytime they think about it.
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Meanwhile, this god awful techno-new Orleans
shit of song plays. DAMMIT I GIVE UP FOR LOVE OF GOD JUST MAKE IT STOP YOU SONS OF BITCHES! 
